Honduras, Central America. Three months left. The reality of that is starting to sink in. So much I have learned and so much I have left to learn. Every Thursday night our night prayer is a holy hour in which the whole Finca community (children, parents, helpers, volunteers and the Franciscan sisters) have an hour of guided prayer in front of the Blessed Sacrament. Tonight I have written down my thoughts during the holy hour, these are all things that I have been thinking and praying about as I prepare to leave in December.

Since June I have been thinking about “the entrega” (surrender). It is always at the back of my mind. Surrendering total self to God, to empty oneself completely and then allowing God to come in. How does one empty oneself completely to allow God in? Surrender, a word almost forgotten in America. On Tuesday, the daily Gospel (Matthew 19: 23-30) was about Jesus saying to his disciples: “Amen, I say to you, it will be hard for one who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for one who is rich to enter the Kingdom of God.” Recently on a trip to Guatemala to visit my brother, my brother’s friend Jerry talked about this same reading, he said that the eye of a needle is in reference to a church or a wall in Jerusalem which is very small and the only way for a camel to enter into the door is to make himself small and get down on his knees and crawl through the door. In this image is a huge message for us. The entrega, for us to enter into heaven we have to surrender ourselves to God and make ourselves small, get down on our knees and crawl with our head bowed to God. We cannot get in any other way but how hard this is for us, those who are rich. For those that are poor, they are already there, they are already humbled, and they don‚Äôt have to get down off their throne because their faces are already in the mud on the ground.

Surrendering. Am I really surrendering myself to God? Every day am I giving him more of my soul and emptying myself? How can I be closer to God if I am not surrendering myself to him more and more every day? Every morning, I sit in the church and pray or try to pray to give my life and my day to God. But how far into the day do I forget that prayer and take my life in to my own hands? Some days, by breakfast. I still hold on to my anger, pain, weariness, fear of leaving, envy, longing, and pride.

I feel God so tangibly in Holy Hour. He fills the church, and fills my heart, body and soul with His love. Holy Hours are when I love the kids the most, when I know that to leave this place is going to hurt really badly. I know that despite all of our problems at the Finca, we will be ok, that God is here, guiding us, loving us, making sure that we are going to be all right. My heart is so full of love for the kids so much that I feel like crying with joy. These are my children, they are God’s children and I love them despite what they have done or what has been done to them. Right now Jose Luis is sleeping sitting up against the pew with his head off to the side in a very awkward position, Sigri is holding on to my shoe underneath the pew from the pew in front of me. Alex looks like an angel, sweet and innocent (which he is not). Nely is singing her heart out next to me. Alejandra is lying in Julisa’s lap. All the children are singing in the background praising God. God made the Finca and it is Good.

You know the feeling that everything is all right in the world? It is the moment when you give up all worries, concerns, problems, and everything else and totally live in the present with God. That is the peace of God I feel inside of me tonight. I can only feel God’s peace when I am empty and allow God to come in. But I have to be open and empty. It usually happens to me in holy hour in the church with the whole Finca community, it happens on my morning walks after morning prayer back to the house from the church, it happens when I am in the clinic seeing my patients making them laugh and loving them, it happens when I am running, or swimming in the ocean looking back at the huge expanse of white beaches and green mountains, or when I am playing with Jose Luis, or walking back to the house after night prayer; playing and teasing the kids.

I haven’t been very peaceful lately; I have been full of worries and fears about leaving this incredible place. I have forgotten to live in the present and instead I have been living in the very uncertain future. But when I remember to empty myself, make myself small, crawl on my knees to God, and allow him to enter my soul, the peace of God comes rushing in and I know that I am truly blessed.

“My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord, my spirit rejoices in God my Savior for he has looked with favor on his lowly servant.” Canticle of Mary (Luke 1: 46-48)